Humble Gratitude

I posted this photo on my Facebook page today for Throw Back Thursday.  It was taken right before my son and I headed out for another road trip to Santa Fe in the spring of 2003.  I've been growing my hair out for the last year because I've always wanted to donate to Locks of Love, but this picture really made me want to cut my hair today.  The feeling passed & and I'm grateful for a really full head of hair, but I am looking forward to cutting it all off later this year.  

Today was also a really good day.  I've started selling more of my possessions on Craigslist again and my Mom's new apartment is almost ready for her to move into it next week.  My son started moving his stuff into my home (he's going to live here with a couple friends after I move) and he's having fun with some remodeling projects - the wet bar in the basement is the first major project.  I love the extra time I've had with him lately and look forward to living with him again for a little while before I leave town.

Today is also the first day of SPRING and the weather was lovely here in Omaha today, so I was in a good mood when I got home this afternoon and found a small envelope in my mailbox from a friend and who was also one of my organizing clients.  She moved out of state a few years ago, but I have many fond memories of helping her declutter and organize her home.  Her note expressed her gratitude for all of the "lessons & help with her house" and included a check for 'gas money' for my trip to Santa Fe.  I was stunned by her gesture and filled with gratitude.  I've had so much emotional support from my friends and family since I decided to follow my dream to move to Santa Fe.  That she went out of her way to thank me and support my decision in this way is priceless and humbling.  I learned as much from her during our friendship and continue to be inspired by her.  She is one of my mentors when it comes to following dreams and I she reminded me today that God has a plan for me and it is better than mine.  

I've always thought that winning the lottery would be a great solution to my financial struggles, but I know that I already won the lottery when it comes to friends. Not because I got a check from a friend today, but because of the love & emotional support I receive from all of my friends, near and far, every day.  Moving away from so many of my friends is one of the hardest parts about this journey, but I've watched several other brave women leave their comfort zones and move away from "home".  I've seen their courage and watched them build new homes away from home and I am reassured that I can do the same thing in Santa Fe.  I also know that all of my friends are only an email or phone call away and will continue to watch them grow and prosper through our shared Gratitude Lists.  So, today I am especially great-FULL for the gentle reminder that I am loved.

The EGO that Wouldn't Leave

In the mid 90s I visited my brother in Seattle and while wondering through Pike's Place Market, I came across an artist who was selling little bas relief sculptures.  When I turned this little guy over and read the title, "The Ego that Wouldn't Leave," I immediately empathized with this expression of agony and defeat.  I brought him home with me as a reminder of what happens when I allow my Ego to run my life.  

About 10 years ago, my friend in Santa Fe introduced me to Louise Hay's book, "You Can Heal Your Body," and I became aware of the power that negative thoughts have on my body & life.  I started using positive affirmations to take care of physical ailments and was continually amazed by the results & my body (and mind's) ability to heal itself.  I clearly recall sitting in the courtyard of her c0-housing community and focusing on a particular affirmation because I had been constipated for a couple days.  I repeated the phrase, "Life flows through me with ease" over and over again in my head while sitting on that bench and vividly remember the sense of peace that came over me and the hummingbird that visited me during that peaceful moment.  I also remember not being constipated a few hours later.  I didn't understand at the time that my Ego was responsible for all of those negative thoughts, but after taking another one of Louise's suggestions and following up any negative thought with the affirmation, "I approve of myself" I realized how loud the negative voice in my head had become.  I spent the entire drive home to Omaha "approving of myself" - that's almost 900 miles of negativity - and it was a startling awareness that made me want to learn more about how to change my thoughts and actions. 

Over the years I had heard that EGO means "Easing God Out".  I've written about my concept of GOD as Good Orderly Direction, so for me, when my I let me EGO take over, I feels like I'm moving away from that positive centerpiece in my life and taking a road filled with chaos, drama and negativity.  Affirmations have become an intuitive response the insidious voice of my Ego and I've learned to listen to my body.  When some pain or unusual physical issue arises, I turn to Louise's little blue book for possible mental causes and more often than not, the underlying thought process she connects with that issue hits the nail on the head for me and using the suggested affirmation neutralizes the situation and my body heals accordingly.

It wasn't until I read Ekhart Tolle's book, "A New Earth" about 6 years ago that I really started to understand that my Ego and I are not one in the same.   The following sentence started a new paradigm shift for me:

Awareness is the Power that is concealed in the present moment.

I had been introduced to the three As - Awareness, Acceptance & Action - around the time I found this sculpture in Seattle and had come to believe that Acceptance was the most important of the three As.  I usually went directly from Awareness to Action or would end up getting mired down in a new awareness and could end up having a pity party hosted by my Ego.  But, reading Eckhart's book and coming to understand that I am actually separate from my awareness - I am the Observer not what I observe about myself or the world.  Therein lies the power for me, for all of us.  Because I am learning to detach myself from my thoughts and to stop myself from labeling situations as "good" or "bad" I am better able to accept what is and if I feel compelled to change a situation, I can now take positive action.  

So, a few years ago I decided to offer a symbolic gesture to let the Universe know that I was ready to let go of my attachment to my ego.  I took "The EGO That Wouldn't Leave" on a road trip to Arkansas where I go for a spiritual retreat with a bunch of other women.  I put it in my pocket and went for a walk in the woods and placed it in a tree.  Then I walked away feeling lighter and knowing that I was moving forward in a more positive direction.

That's what this whole journey is about for me.  It's not just about following a dream to live in Santa Fe or losing weight or even about simplifying my possessions.  I'm beginning to see that all of the Actions I've taken during the last few years & months are helping me to become more present in each moment.  And that awareness has given me the power & courage to change my life.  I know that my ego will never leave me completely, but it's voice is much quieter these days and I know that I have tools to replace that voice with love & light & serenity. 

Love is...

It's been almost 2 weeks since I broke my juice fast and started eating solid food again.  I've had a few mishaps and have come to the conclusion that meat is only going to make occasional appearances in my diet.  Just drinking juice was certainly simpler, but I've been pleasantly surprised at how quiet the food voices in my head have been and continue to make better choices when it comes to what I eat.  Like all of the choices I'm making as I radically simplify my life these days, I'm choosing Quality over Quantity and keeping everything really simple.

My main focus during the last couple of weeks has been helping my Mom get her new apartment renovated.  I've been selling things for her on Craigslist and helping her choose new (smaller) pieces of furniture for her new home.  She'll be moving into it on March 25th and my son will be moving in here with me that week.  He's really excited about having more space and being able to get a couple of roommates after I move to Santa Fe in May.  He's already brought over a couple of car loads of his stuff and has already started a few small remodel projects.  It's been really nice being able to spend more time with him and I'm grateful he wants my input and help with the paint & decorating choices.  

My son also surprised me last night with this lovely, framed plaque.  He had gone into the Kirkland store near our house and realized very quickly that it wasn't really his type of store, but thought I would love the store and this plaque reminded him of me.   It brought tears to my eyes when I saw it because it's the first gift he's ever really put any thought into for me.  I've certainly gotten my share of handmade gifts from him when he was little, but this is the first time he's gotten me a something that he was excited about giving to me.  I thought all of my attempts to get him to purchase thoughtful gifts had fallen on deaf ears.  Apparently, my suggestions didn't fall on deaf ears after all and this plaque will definitely be making the trip with me and be hung in a special place in my new home.  Radically simplifying my life doesn't mean living an austere or undecorated life.  Like with my food, my goal is Quality over Quantity and a thoughtful gift from my son, that I really like, is the perfect representation of this new way of life for me.  

a Time to Shred

The sun broke through the clouds yesterday afternoon and landed on my shoulders as I shredded the last of my old taxes and all of the financial documents from my bankruptcy 7 years ago.  I know it's not polite to talk about money in our society and I really don't want to write about my money issues, but they are part of my journey and contribute to my fears about moving to Santa Fe.  

After filing bankruptcy, I spent 2 years working with my mortgage company trying to modify my home loan.  I even put my house up for sale and got a good offer, but because the bank assured me that I would qualify for a modification and I declined the offer.  About a month later the bank told me that I did NOT qualify and they began foreclosure proceedings, ultimately getting much less for it that offer. 

The day before the foreclosure sale, I moved in with my parents.  My brother (the financially stable one in the family) owns the house my parents were living in and it had a big, finished basement that had more than enough room for me and my son, who was 19 at the time.  My son (who takes after my brother when it comes to money) moved into his own apartment a little over 2 years ago.  

It's not that I have extravagant tastes or am a compulsive shopper, but I am a spender rather than a saver.  I'm also a single-Mom who rarely received any child support.  When I bought my house, I was working full-time at a bank and making more than enough to cover all of my expenses and then some.  I'd been working in the corporate world for almost 10 years when I decided to take a leap of faith into self-employment.  Everything went well for the first 6 months because I also had a Virtual Assistant business scheduling appointments for financial advisers all over the country.  I was making almost as much as I had at the bank and then the economy took a nose dive and so did my income. 

It's been an emotional roller coaster coming to terms with living with my parents again.  I am truly grateful for the safety net my family has provided for me.  I was even able to see the grace in the timing of my situation when my Dad died last year.  If I hadn't been living with them, there's no way my Mom could have taken care of him by herself when he got sick and needed round the clock care.  Even though my Dad and I had a difficult relationship, I am grateful that I was here and that I could be of service to both of my parents when they needed it.  

Now, I'm getting ready to follow another dream to Santa Fe.  Perhaps I'll do better financially without the safety net of my family to fall back on.  I believe that helping people eliminate clutter and organize their lives is my life purpose.  I'm still working on getting my purpose to pay all of my bills.  Until it does, I will continue to...

"Trust God, Clean House & Help Others"

The First Bite

I just took my first bite of food since starting a juice fast 65 days ago.  I choose a beautiful, organic Gala apple for distinction.  I'm about half way through the apple and starting to feel full.  That's a good reminder that the next couple of weeks are not going to be like riding a bike.  I'm going to be learning a whole new way of eating that involves less food - better quality, but much less of it.  I think that's the theme of this whole process of simplifying my life - Quality not Quantity.  It's the same thing I tell my clients all the time, and I've been following my own advice in many ways since starting on the radical road of simplifying every aspect of my own life.

I also weighed myself this morning and I've lost a total of 60lbs during my fast.  That number is hard to comprehend and a friend of mine suggested going to the store and lifting to 30lb bags of dog food to let it sink in.  I still have quite a bit of weight to lose, but I'm confident that I can make healthier choices now.  I tested this out yesterday when I went shopping to restock my pantry.  I've been a label reader for a long time now, but having cleaned out my body so well I'm being very cautious about what I purchase to nourish it going forward.  Not everything will be organic, but it will be as minimally processed as possible.  Plus, I'll continue to juice, so vegetables and fruit will be the foundation of my food plan.

I've heard from quite a few people during this time who've been inspired to try juicing and simplify their lives.  For that I am truly grateful.  I feel very inspired myself and more than happy to share that here with all of you.  I woman I work with has been juice fasting for a little over a week and lost 10lbs and I'm getting together this afternoon with a friend to help her start a 2 day fast.  I also have plans to eat some of the greens I'll be juicing later today.  

As I finish typing this post I've eaten the whole apple and I'm almost done drinking a pint of apple/carrot/ginger juice.  I also get to help a client organize her home this afternoon.  Today is gonna be a good day!