The Journey Continues

It's been more than 2 years since I sat down to write something for this blog, and I'm not really sure where to start, but doing my first 5k a couple months ago is what motivated me to start writing again.  I've shared much of my journey with food addiction in this blog, and after reading my last post from 2015, I'm now ready to share the action I took to get me to this new life and hope that in doing so, someone else may find the hope they need to keep going on their journey.

I knew moving to Santa Fe was an integral part in my physical, mental and spiritual journey. I just had a much different path in mind than the one I ended up on.  After gaining back all of the 65 lbs (and then some) I'd lost before moving to Santa Fe, I found myself weighing almost 400 lbs and feeling "Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead" (again).  I had stopped juicing and exercise was a thing of the past.  What little sleep I got was in a recliner because I couldn't breathe or get comfortable sleeping in a bed.  Then came the diagnoses.

In 2016, I was diagnosed with severe Sleep Apnea, Intracranial Hypertension (too much spinal fluid in my brain), high blood pressure and was pre-diabetic.  All of these were directly linked to my morbid obesity, they're even called, co-morbidities, and felt like I was hearing my own death knell.  So, I started doing research and found my way back to seriously considering Weight Loss Surgery. I had been down this path in my 30s but it wasn't the right choice for me then.  Two years ago it became the light at the end of a long and painful tunnel.

One of the reasons I decided to write about this part of my journey is because I want to share what I learned about a hormone called, ghrelin, also know as the Hunger Hormone.  After reading several studies, I started to understand why, no matter how much I ate, I always felt hungry.  I now understand that my stomach was most likely always producing ghrelin, which meant that my brain was always being told to eat.  I started to feel hopeful because the research I found concluded that many patients who had Gastric Sleeve Surgery stopped producing ghrelin for a time after surgery because the part of the stomach that produces it is removed from the body. 

ghrel·in

noun

1. a peptide hormone, produced predominantly in the stomach, that stimulates the secretion of growth hormone from the pituitary gland and increases appetite.

In January of 2017, I met with a surgeon in Albuquerque and spent the next few months working on accepting that I needed such extreme help.  I've always been pretty extreme in my weight loss efforts though (65 day juice fast, 21 day water fast, 5 years of not eating sugar, flour or wheat, etc.), so it's really not surprising that I ended up on a surgeon's table.  I still had to process a plethora of pre-surgery feelings though, including:  feeling like a failure, fear of the surgery itself, anger at needing the help of western medicine, which I felt had contributed to my obesity, and mostly it just felt like I was cheating.  Cheating because my whole life everyone said that if I just ate less and exercised more, weight wouldn't be a problem.  Turns out everyone was partially right, it just took having 75% of my stomach (a.k.a. my little ghrelin maker) removed so that my brain would actually be capable of functioning in a way that allowed me to eat less and exercise more.

On May 2, 2017, I faced all of my fears and had the surgery.  Today I am 150lbs lighter and just got up early a few days ago to do my second 5k on Thanksgiving morning. I still have 80lbs or so to release, but the life I have today is better than I could have imagined.  I am still a food addict and I still have to be vigilant about not using food to soothe my emotions.  But now, not only do I have a smaller stomach, I also seem to have a "normal" brain as far as hunger is concerned and I no longer spend all of my time overriding constant "food thoughts." Thoughts that I now know were often produced by the excess ghrelin in my system.  I am not advocating weight loss surgery for anyone.  I simply know that this particular surgery was the right choice for me and I that it helped me save my own life.  I hope that by sharing my story, it will help someone who is struggling with obesity find the hope and encouragement they need to save their own life.

Two years ago I couldn't walk 25 feet to my mailbox without getting worn out.  In March of this year I started walking on the trails again in my beloved high desert.  With the help and encouragement of my "outdoorsy" friends and an unofficial barefoot running coach, I find myself on a lot of new trails. I don't know where the rest of this path will lead me, but I know it will be on a trail somewhere and I'll probably be barefoot.

Awareness, Acceptance & Action

I don't want to talk about it or write about it or deal with it.  Again.  The recurring struggle of my life.  My love-hate relationship with food.  The ups and downs of the scale.  But, the Yo-Yo has come around and smacked me in the ass.  Again.  

In so many ways, my first year here in Santa Fe has lived up or surpassed my dreams.  My business is doing well, I found a sister-from-another-mother in my roommate, I've made new friends and feel a part of this enchanted community of artists and dreamers and entrepreneurs. 

It has been a stressful year though.  Starting a new life, rebuilding my business, making new friends - all good but stressful things.  I forgot that my default reaction to stress is to turn to my drug of choice.  Food.  I am a food addict.  Something I finally came to terms with more than 10 years ago. But, denial is not just a river in Egypt. I jumped right back on that Merry-Go-Round named Denial and used food to help take the edge off of my fears.  

So, here I am.  Again.  Sick and tired of being sick and tired.  And, finally ready to stop hiding from my fears and face the truth.  So, here goes. After crawling through this painful AWARENESS and wallowing in radical ACCEPTANCE for the last few months, I AM now recommitting to one day at a time ACTION.  

Seamless Elastics!

Who knew that my lifelong search for the perfect rubber band for my hair would be the thing that would get me writing again.  I've had plenty of things to write about my new life her in Santa Fe over the last 3 months - amazing vistas, wonderful new friends, moving to a new house, building a new organizing clientele, and, of course, green chiles.  

But, a trip to Walgreens a couple weeks ago inspired me to start sharing my journey again, all because of a simple $1.99 purchase.  I've had a love-hate relationship with headbands, barrettes and rubber bands.  I have a LOT of hair and it doesn't normally respond well to being kept in one place for any length of time.  Headbands slip off after a few turns of my head, barrettes break apart, clips fall apart at the hinges and rubber bands, well rubber bands loose their elasticity and snap in two on a regular basis. 

I thought I found the right one a few years ago - a non-slip style by Goody.  They lasted longer than most and rarely broke, but like socks in a dryer, disappeared into some unknown vortex.  So, I went looking for more on Amazon last year and bought about 50 of the little suckers.  Unfortunately, somewhere along the line some genius redesigned them, probably to save money, and my once trusted elastic friends now loose their elasticity and snap in two on a regular basis.  Thus, my late night foray into the florescent aisles of another drug store, once again hopefully searching for new form of elastic to corral my unruly locks.

That night, I decided to try the curly bobby pins that claimed to hold a bun in place along with some colorful rubber bands that actually look like rubber.  While searching for something else to try I noticed a little packet of "Seamless Elastics" for $1.99.  They were cheaper than everything else, so I thought I'd give them a try.  The bobby pins actually worked pretty well, but I need a couple more to keep my bun in place and they are a bit of a bitch to get out - my hair didn't want to give them up.  The colorful rubber bands tend to pull on my hair and gave me headache, but the innocuous Seamless Elastics are fabulous!  They are stretchy enough to make that third wrap around my ponytail to help keep it high and tight (without pulling) on the back of my head where I like it.  Because they seem to be cut from some sort of polyester fabric tube there isn't a seem to snap and after I release my hair for the night, they actually shrink back to their original size.  

So, I went back a few days ago and bought 9 more packets of these little gems.  I was tempted to clean them out, but decided to wait while to be sure they stand the test of time and the weight of my hair.  It has only been a couple weeks and I know it's still the honeymoon phase for me and my Seamless Elastics, but for today, I am a happy camper and so is my hair.

Still Connected

Well, after finally making the decision to cancel my old 402 phone number, it feels like the Universe is still messing with me.  In last week's Disconnected post, I told you about having to wait after making this decision because Sprint's website was experiencing difficulties.  I tried logging in the next day and got the same message.  So, a few days later I started an online chat with a Sprint rep and was given an 800# to call to cancel the line.  By this time I was getting irritated, which pushed aside any hesitation I had about letting go of this part of my past.  But, when the representative informed me that I'd have to pay $200 to get out of my contract for this phone, a contract that I wasn't supposed to have any more since I'd switched to a Framily Plan, I wasn't amused.  I'm sure this little bit of information is somewhere in the fine print of my new Framily Plan, but it certainly felt like I'd been caught in a Catch 22.  

I know this really isn't a big deal in the grand scheme of things.  I just find funny that after all of my vacillating about whether or not to disconnect this number, and finally deciding to let it go, the answer I received was, "Not now."  So, the real opportunity to let go in this situation for me is to let go of my desire to make it happen now and accept, once again, that "It is what it is."  There may be another phone call to Sprint to confirm the information and remind them what "valued" customer I have been for the last decade, but the real work of letting go of my attachment to this phone number has been done.  The process and the emotions it brought up have just been so interesting to me, because it is, after all, just a phone number.  However, it has been a good reminder that there are many side streets on this road to Radical Simplicity, and even something as seemingly insignificant as a phone number can lead me closer to the truth about what is and is not important to me today.

Disconnected?

As of today, I've been in Santa Fe for 2 months.  I'm not sure how time can seem to fly and crawl at the same time, but it feels like I just got here and like home all at once.  I'm settled in my new home and have been exploring in and around Santa Fe and making new friends.  Tonight I decided to write about my decision to let go something I thought I needed to keep.  It's not taking up much space, only about 2x4 inches in a drawer, but the $55 a month it's costing me could be spent on other things, like exploring more of New Mexico.

I didn't realize what a security blanket it had become though until I started thinking about letting go of it.  It's been a part of my life for more than 30 years and a tangible link to my old life in Omaha.  I kept it because I didn't want any of my clients to ever get an "this number has been disconnected" message when they dialed 402-551-8967.  That's the phone number my family got when we first moved to Omaha in 1980.  

I ended up with it when, as a young single-mom I moved into a new home with my parents.  They still had the number and when we set up a new account with Cox at the new place the account was put in my name.  This was still the 90s and I'm not sure I even had a cell phone yet.  But, at some point we got a separate line for my parents and this phone number stayed in my name.  

Six or seven years ago, when I got rid of my LAN line, I was able to transfer this number to my cell phone and maintain this small bit of continuity amidst all the changes that were happening in my life at that time.  Maybe that's why I've hesitated (am still hesitating as I type this) to pull the plug on this part of my past.  In fact I feel really emotional about it at the moment.  I understand that it's really more of a symbolic gesture and just another layer in this process of radically simplifying my life.

So, here goes.  I'm logging on to Sprint's website now... and once again I see that the Universe likes to play games with me because when I tried to log in to cancel this phone line I got this message:

So, I guess that means it's time for me to go to sleep and this is something I can take care of tomorrow.

To be continued...

Path to Plentitude

Last Saturday I went to a networking meeting for women entrepreneurs in Santa Fe and met a wonderful group of women.  I sensed a few kindred spirits in the group and had the chance to visit one of them in her radically simple home today - a unique home she designed & constructed herself.  It's a portable structure, made of canvas and at less than 200 sq feet, the PleniSphere is a special place and it's creator, Anodata Pyaga, is a special person.

When I met Anodata last weekend and found out about her creation & that she only lived about 1/2 mile from my house, I knew I had to visit her during one of her open house days and get a first hand look at her little living space under the domed canvas roof.  

As I walked along the trail behind Frenchy's Field to cross the Santa Fe River to get to her place, I spotted the smaller of the two Plenisphere's she has set up in her back yard in the distance.

Then I crossed over the footbridge that spans the river and headed down the trail toward her home and became even more excited to step inside one of her magical dwellings.  Being able to visit this type of structure only a few hundred feet from my own new home is truly one of the enchanting aspects of living in The City Different.  I love that this city seems to attract creative people like Anodata and her "spheres of plenitude".

The structure itself is elegant and welcoming in person as it appeared to be in the photos I saw on her website.  There was a lovely breeze wafting through the openings for the windows & doors as I sat and chatted with its designer this morning.  For such a small space, I was happy to see all of the ways in which she had maximized space by choosing furniture & making items that serve more than one purpose like the footstool that also serves as a desk and discretely conceals a composting toilet.  It was really interesting to talk to someone else who has made a conscious decision to radically simplify their life and see first hand the way she has embraced this way of life and taken it even further than I have by creating a dwelling that embodies the principles of living "sustainably in abundance and luxury".  I can only hope that my own journey toward Radical Simplicity continues to lead me down other such Paths of Plentitude.

Somewhere Over the Rainbow in Santa Fe

My friend here in Santa Fe was gracious enough to let me stay in her house for a couple weeks while I was looking for a place to live.  She and her husband went with me to scout out a few places and after seeing a couple of "shit-holes" (her husband's honest opinion) and a couple of lovely places, I choose a place on a street called Agua Fria.  I knew it was the place for me the minute I saw the mailbox - it had me with "om".  

The house itself was quite a mess when I first saw it because three 2o-something, male musicians had been living here and I had to look past the dirty dishes in the sink and the messy piles of their stuff.  I loved the owners though & could tell they loved this house.  They had lived here for 6 years themselves and I could still feel their positive energy all over the place.  They had installed a whole house, water filtration system and commercial grade appliances in the kitchen, but they kept the 1950s, turquoise double oven & matching gas range.  I love that my landlord is looking for a part to fix the oven.  He'll replace it if he has to, but I adore him for trying to keep these golden oldies. 

The original part of the house was built in 1920 and was apparently the General Store for the Village of Agua Fria at that time.  The walls are real adobe and the living room has the original vigas and the wooden slats on the ceiling above them are painted a lovely shade of dark turquoise.  The kitchen counters are a beautiful blue ceramic tile and with a little scrubbing of glass ceiling fixtures, the gentle glow of electric light now reflects nicely off the white-washed adobe walls.   I've also been discovering little critters that my landlords left behind in the nichos and even found a little metal frog sitting on top of an electrical box outside the kitchen the other day.

Another reason I chose the house is because it sits on 1/3 of an acre and is completely walled in making it a wonderful yard for my dog, Ginger, to explore.  There are 3 old growth apple trees, which my juicer will love, and a magic circle of stones just waiting to be reawakened from under the overgrown grasses.  My bedroom is on the East side of the house so I get to the lovely morning sun & have a french door that opens out to the back yard and one of the apple trees and a bench swing under a pergola.  This has become a favorite place to soak up the morning sun or gaze at the starlit sky.  It is a wonderful secret garden.   My landlords even told me that there are crystals buried all around the yard - just another reason on my long list of loves for this place I now call home. 

 

I also have a great roommate, who's a natural redhead like me - talk about adding some magic to this place!!  She actually rented the master bedroom before I met her, but I couldn't have chosen a better roommate if I'd picked her myself.  She's a 30 year old grad student studying Art Therapy & loves my dog almost as much as I do - she even left the light on for her the other night when I was out late - she left the porch light on for me too, but her note just mentioned the light for Ginger :-). 

So there you have it.  My new home has embraced me and there's plenty of room for all of my friends who said they were coming to visit me her in Santa Fe.  Come on down to the Land of Enchantment and my enchanted little house on Agua Fria.

What I Left Behind

As I radically simplified my life, there were just a few things that I knew I wouldn't be taking with me.  Most of the items where mementos from my son's childhood.  

Over the years I stored his memories in a couple of plastic totes & a couple of hanging files in my file cabinet.  When I started this process, I went through everything again and got rid of a few more things so that I could fit everything into one large tote.  Inside that tote now are ALL of his baby clothes, his favorite books - including "Goodnight Moon" & "The Stinky Cheese Man & Other Fairly Odd Tales", his artwork, school papers & other childhood mementos. 

I also saved a smaller tote that of just Legos.  I think I kept this tote because it was such a good little storage piece for him when he was little - big enough to hold all of them, but small enough for him to carry around.  The lid also locks in place on 2 sides and the handles fold down. He always used the lid as a building surface and despite all of the constant use, it is still in perfect condition.  His children may never play with his Legos, but I spent way to much time researching Lego containers during his childhood to let this one go easily.

The other 2 items will probably end up in my home again at some point.  I could have made them fit in my car, but didn't want to take the chance of breaking them.  The rocking chair was my father's when he was a baby - the photo below shows him, me & my son in the chair over the course of 50 years.  My Grandparent's wedding portrait has domed glass on it and I was afraid it would get broken in my tightly packed car during my drive down to Santa Fe.

For now these few items are safe in a storage space under the stairs in my son's house.

An Arrow in Flight

I had this feeling a couple weeks ago while driving to a friend's house in Omaha.  I was blasting a song on the radio and singing along and suddenly thought, this must be what Wonder Woman felt like when she spun around to transform herself from a normal woman into her Super Hero Self.  I felt light and powerful, like an arrow in flight that couldn't be stopped until it hit it's target.

I had the same feeling a week ago as I was driving down I-29 toward my first stop on my road trip to Santa Fe.  I realized what I was feeling was freedom.  I am a 44 year old, single, self-employeed woman, my son is grown and doing well on his own, and all of my efforts and determination over the last 6 months actually paid off.  I did it.  I made my dream come true and moved to Santa Fe.  How amazing is that?!  Just the thought of it brings tears of joy to my eyes.

 

The image of an arrow in flight came from something my friend Frankie wrote about me on Facebook a couple days ago.  

Congratulations on having the courage and determination to pick your life up and move across country and begin a new journey. Most would turn back but she was an "arrow in flight".

Talk about tears of joy.  I am so blessed & truly felt (and feel) all the love, support, prayers and well wishes that followed me as I flew across the interstates of Nebraska, Kansas, Colorado & New Mexico to this enchanted land.  And when I arrived in Santa Fe last Sunday evening I felt like the sun was painting the sky just for me as it disappeared behind the mountains for the night.  

Almost a week after that first sunset, as I sit here looking out my friend's dining room window at the storm clouds breaking up over the Sangra de Cristo mountains, that sense of freedom is continues to grow.  How could it not when simply driving to the grocery store provides me with panoramic vistas and walking my dog on a trail reveals a breathtaking view of the Jemez Mountains.  Even my trip to the Farmer's Market this morning was a magical experience this morning.  Magic & Miracles.  That's what I've found here in my new home town.  And as I embrace my new found freedom, I expect to find more magic & more miracles along my path. 

Separation Anxiety?

I had lunch with my Mom the other day and she asked me if I was starting to feel any Separation Anxiety.  I've really been to busy to delve into any of those feelings, but she said she was feeling it.  I lived with my parents for a long time as an adult and it was a tremendous help to me on both occasions, especially as a young single mom.  I was able to do some traveling with my son and the financial burden of raising him was not as difficult as it could have been thanks to their help.  

The last couple of years living with my parents after losing my house to foreclosure gave me the chance to be of service to them, especially last year when my Dad got sick and then passed away.   I know I've been in the right place at the right time most of my life, even when I thought I wanted to be somewhere else.  My Mom and I have a much better relationship today because our time together and I believe that distance will only make our hearts grow fonder.  

I'm getting her set up with a webcam and Skype this week so we can chat face-2-face often (if I can ever figure out the microphone issues on my end that is).  My Mom even said the other night that she's learning what happiness means to her.  Just like I know it was right for me to live with her when I did, I also know it's right that we find what makes each of us happy out there on our own now.  Everything is falling into place this last week, just like it has since I made the decision to move and I know that the best is yet to come for me and for my Mom.

Old Friends

Laying in bed last night on my way to sleep, I wondered why I haven't been able to post anything here for a few weeks.  It's been a whirlwind of activity and decisions and I've been doing my best to focus on making memories here and now with my family and friends.   As I was trying to think of one thing to focus on for a blog post and image of a giant snowball barreling down the path of my recent days and swallowing up all of my experiences until all I could see were arms and legs of my clients and friends and pieces of furniture and even my dogs tail wagging out one side.  So, I decided to pull one of them out of the jumble and spend a few minutes with it here as I sit in quiet of the early morning in my home office at the desk I've used for almost 20 years.  

My emotions welled up as I typed that last sentence because I've gotten down to the nitty gritty stages of letting go of my belongings.  My "desk" is actually a butcher block topped table that I originally bought with 4 chairs and used as a kitchen table.  When I got my first computer in my mid 20s (that's right, I didn't have a computer at home until my 20s), I started using it as a desk and  few years later found a maple hutch at Target that matched the top perfectly and was almost the exact length of my desk and I've used the two pieces together in my office since that time.  The hutch is posted on Craigslist and someone is coming to look at it today.  I am still using the desk and need it for my last week here, but I'll probably mention it to the person who wants the hutch because I feel like they're two old friends and would like to find them a new home together.

Last week I sold my antique dresser that I've had since I was 16 years old.  It came from a second-hand store in downtown Omaha called Second Chance and I can still see the description in my mind of the display tag that read, "1890s Cottage Style Dresser, Solid Oak".  Something about those simple words spoke to me and when I opened the top right drawer and saw the built in dividers, my organizing heart fell in love.  Somehow, telling the stories about how the items that were special to me came into my life and how I used them and loved them makes this process easier to process.

As I was polishing my dresser for the last time, I thought, "Who's idea was it to radically simplify my life anyway?!" Oh, yeah.  It was me, of course, and despite my mixed emotions, I love the after effects of letting go.  It's a lightness of being that sneaks up and surprises me in the middle of the day and calm certainty that I am on the right path. 

The last of my furniture to go will be my 1940s Waterfall Vanity.  I thought it was interesting that my "vanity" would be one of the last to go.  I got it about the same time as the dresser and have been using it to get ready for the day for almost 30 years.  I still love it, but I am ready to let it go.  It has served me well.  The funny thing is that I wasn't sure how I'd be able to organize my make-up and toiletries without the lovely drawers in my vanity.  Yes, I forgot that I was a Professional Organizer and there are shelves and drawers in my bathroom.  Silly me! 

Happy BirthWEEK to me!

The last couple of weeks have been crazy busy and there's so much I want to write about; living with my son again, taking my Dad's ashes to his home town, more downsizing, more juicing, getting back into appointment setting, only a month left before my move, and simply loving my life.  For today, I'm just going to focus on becoming 44 today and share a little about my week that's been filled with friends, food & fun.

It's a good sign that I woke up at 6:30 this morning without an alarm and didn't want to go back to sleep.  There's so much I want to do today and so many friends I want to spend time with before I move.  I have the best friends and one of them started off my Birthweek last Saturday by giving me a pair of glass bottles to use for my green juice.  She said she wasn't sure what to give someone who was radically downsizing her life, but knew it needed to be beautiful and useful.  She knows me well and found the perfect balance. 

My Mom took me to lunch on Wednesday to my new favorite restaurant, J. Coco. I ordered the Goat Cheese Stuffed Chicken Breast & she had the Pistachio Crusted Salmon.  The chicken was great, but I'm definitely going back for my own order of salmon before I leave town next month.  

Yesterday a friend gave me several "consumable" gifts - a couple of cold-pressed green juices by Daily Greens and some Zum Mist Aromatherapy body spray & soap.  I'm drinking one of the juices as I type on my new laptop.  I've been planning to trade my desktop in for a laptop as part of my move and after a "I'm so Pretty" moment when I deleted the .pst file that was the back up for my Outlook, I decided to go ahead and get it now.  I even bit the bullet and finally invested in Office 2013.  I've been using Office Professional 2000, well, since 2000, so hopefully this version will last me another 14 years.

Today's forecast includes ABUNDANT SUNSHINE (one of my favorite phrases) & I have plans with several lovely throughout the day.  I also have an organizing session scheduled with a client this afternoon, and plans for a walk with my dog afterwards.  I even shaved my legs this morning!  So, watch out folks, it just got crazy up in here.  I hope you all have a wonderful day too!

A Place of Her Own

The last couple of weeks have been crazy.  After almost 2 months of renovations, we moved my Mom into her own apartment last week. Making the decision to follow my dream to Santa Fe also meant that my Mom had to find a new place to live because she didn't need all of the space with my Dad gone and me moving out.  She moved from a 1200 square foot house with a garage into about 700 sq feet.  Naturally, I've been helping her get organized & downsize.  I sold sold some of her large pieces of furniture and we shopped together for some pretty new items to replace them.  

It was just a white box when she bought it, so we had the cabinets above the counter torn out, then painted the upper cabinets "Svelte Sage" and the lower cabinets "Connected Grey".  The living room walls are "Accessible Beige" and the new carpet is a warm "Taffy".  We found the black "TV" cabinet & her black corner desk at a lovely little consignment store called Great Finds and she's using it as her pantry.  I found the round, drop-leaf kitchen table & bar stools on Craigslist and kitchen the chairs at Tuesday Morning.  All of the pictures and art on the wall she already owned. 

This is the first time in 71 years that she's truly lived by herself.  Well, there are more than 100 other residents in her new high rise, but the apartment is all hers and she got to put her own personal stamp on everything.  I was just there last night helping her hang all of her pictures and make some adjustments to the furniture placements. While we were having dinner, I asked her how it feels to be living by herself for the first time in her life and, without hesitation, she said, "Great!".  

I am so grateful we were able to get her settled in such a lovely and safe place and that we were able to tackle this project together.  It's only a few minutes from her church and the building is full of people over 50 and there always seems to be some sort of activity in the building.  I just know that she's going to be having her own adventure here in Omaha when I'm in Santa Fe.  I love you, Mom.  Have fun stormin' the castle!

Humble Gratitude

I posted this photo on my Facebook page today for Throw Back Thursday.  It was taken right before my son and I headed out for another road trip to Santa Fe in the spring of 2003.  I've been growing my hair out for the last year because I've always wanted to donate to Locks of Love, but this picture really made me want to cut my hair today.  The feeling passed & and I'm grateful for a really full head of hair, but I am looking forward to cutting it all off later this year.  

Today was also a really good day.  I've started selling more of my possessions on Craigslist again and my Mom's new apartment is almost ready for her to move into it next week.  My son started moving his stuff into my home (he's going to live here with a couple friends after I move) and he's having fun with some remodeling projects - the wet bar in the basement is the first major project.  I love the extra time I've had with him lately and look forward to living with him again for a little while before I leave town.

Today is also the first day of SPRING and the weather was lovely here in Omaha today, so I was in a good mood when I got home this afternoon and found a small envelope in my mailbox from a friend and who was also one of my organizing clients.  She moved out of state a few years ago, but I have many fond memories of helping her declutter and organize her home.  Her note expressed her gratitude for all of the "lessons & help with her house" and included a check for 'gas money' for my trip to Santa Fe.  I was stunned by her gesture and filled with gratitude.  I've had so much emotional support from my friends and family since I decided to follow my dream to move to Santa Fe.  That she went out of her way to thank me and support my decision in this way is priceless and humbling.  I learned as much from her during our friendship and continue to be inspired by her.  She is one of my mentors when it comes to following dreams and I she reminded me today that God has a plan for me and it is better than mine.  

I've always thought that winning the lottery would be a great solution to my financial struggles, but I know that I already won the lottery when it comes to friends. Not because I got a check from a friend today, but because of the love & emotional support I receive from all of my friends, near and far, every day.  Moving away from so many of my friends is one of the hardest parts about this journey, but I've watched several other brave women leave their comfort zones and move away from "home".  I've seen their courage and watched them build new homes away from home and I am reassured that I can do the same thing in Santa Fe.  I also know that all of my friends are only an email or phone call away and will continue to watch them grow and prosper through our shared Gratitude Lists.  So, today I am especially great-FULL for the gentle reminder that I am loved.

The EGO that Wouldn't Leave

In the mid 90s I visited my brother in Seattle and while wondering through Pike's Place Market, I came across an artist who was selling little bas relief sculptures.  When I turned this little guy over and read the title, "The Ego that Wouldn't Leave," I immediately empathized with this expression of agony and defeat.  I brought him home with me as a reminder of what happens when I allow my Ego to run my life.  

About 10 years ago, my friend in Santa Fe introduced me to Louise Hay's book, "You Can Heal Your Body," and I became aware of the power that negative thoughts have on my body & life.  I started using positive affirmations to take care of physical ailments and was continually amazed by the results & my body (and mind's) ability to heal itself.  I clearly recall sitting in the courtyard of her c0-housing community and focusing on a particular affirmation because I had been constipated for a couple days.  I repeated the phrase, "Life flows through me with ease" over and over again in my head while sitting on that bench and vividly remember the sense of peace that came over me and the hummingbird that visited me during that peaceful moment.  I also remember not being constipated a few hours later.  I didn't understand at the time that my Ego was responsible for all of those negative thoughts, but after taking another one of Louise's suggestions and following up any negative thought with the affirmation, "I approve of myself" I realized how loud the negative voice in my head had become.  I spent the entire drive home to Omaha "approving of myself" - that's almost 900 miles of negativity - and it was a startling awareness that made me want to learn more about how to change my thoughts and actions. 

Over the years I had heard that EGO means "Easing God Out".  I've written about my concept of GOD as Good Orderly Direction, so for me, when my I let me EGO take over, I feels like I'm moving away from that positive centerpiece in my life and taking a road filled with chaos, drama and negativity.  Affirmations have become an intuitive response the insidious voice of my Ego and I've learned to listen to my body.  When some pain or unusual physical issue arises, I turn to Louise's little blue book for possible mental causes and more often than not, the underlying thought process she connects with that issue hits the nail on the head for me and using the suggested affirmation neutralizes the situation and my body heals accordingly.

It wasn't until I read Ekhart Tolle's book, "A New Earth" about 6 years ago that I really started to understand that my Ego and I are not one in the same.   The following sentence started a new paradigm shift for me:

Awareness is the Power that is concealed in the present moment.

I had been introduced to the three As - Awareness, Acceptance & Action - around the time I found this sculpture in Seattle and had come to believe that Acceptance was the most important of the three As.  I usually went directly from Awareness to Action or would end up getting mired down in a new awareness and could end up having a pity party hosted by my Ego.  But, reading Eckhart's book and coming to understand that I am actually separate from my awareness - I am the Observer not what I observe about myself or the world.  Therein lies the power for me, for all of us.  Because I am learning to detach myself from my thoughts and to stop myself from labeling situations as "good" or "bad" I am better able to accept what is and if I feel compelled to change a situation, I can now take positive action.  

So, a few years ago I decided to offer a symbolic gesture to let the Universe know that I was ready to let go of my attachment to my ego.  I took "The EGO That Wouldn't Leave" on a road trip to Arkansas where I go for a spiritual retreat with a bunch of other women.  I put it in my pocket and went for a walk in the woods and placed it in a tree.  Then I walked away feeling lighter and knowing that I was moving forward in a more positive direction.

That's what this whole journey is about for me.  It's not just about following a dream to live in Santa Fe or losing weight or even about simplifying my possessions.  I'm beginning to see that all of the Actions I've taken during the last few years & months are helping me to become more present in each moment.  And that awareness has given me the power & courage to change my life.  I know that my ego will never leave me completely, but it's voice is much quieter these days and I know that I have tools to replace that voice with love & light & serenity. 

Love is...

It's been almost 2 weeks since I broke my juice fast and started eating solid food again.  I've had a few mishaps and have come to the conclusion that meat is only going to make occasional appearances in my diet.  Just drinking juice was certainly simpler, but I've been pleasantly surprised at how quiet the food voices in my head have been and continue to make better choices when it comes to what I eat.  Like all of the choices I'm making as I radically simplify my life these days, I'm choosing Quality over Quantity and keeping everything really simple.

My main focus during the last couple of weeks has been helping my Mom get her new apartment renovated.  I've been selling things for her on Craigslist and helping her choose new (smaller) pieces of furniture for her new home.  She'll be moving into it on March 25th and my son will be moving in here with me that week.  He's really excited about having more space and being able to get a couple of roommates after I move to Santa Fe in May.  He's already brought over a couple of car loads of his stuff and has already started a few small remodel projects.  It's been really nice being able to spend more time with him and I'm grateful he wants my input and help with the paint & decorating choices.  

My son also surprised me last night with this lovely, framed plaque.  He had gone into the Kirkland store near our house and realized very quickly that it wasn't really his type of store, but thought I would love the store and this plaque reminded him of me.   It brought tears to my eyes when I saw it because it's the first gift he's ever really put any thought into for me.  I've certainly gotten my share of handmade gifts from him when he was little, but this is the first time he's gotten me a something that he was excited about giving to me.  I thought all of my attempts to get him to purchase thoughtful gifts had fallen on deaf ears.  Apparently, my suggestions didn't fall on deaf ears after all and this plaque will definitely be making the trip with me and be hung in a special place in my new home.  Radically simplifying my life doesn't mean living an austere or undecorated life.  Like with my food, my goal is Quality over Quantity and a thoughtful gift from my son, that I really like, is the perfect representation of this new way of life for me.  

a Time to Shred

The sun broke through the clouds yesterday afternoon and landed on my shoulders as I shredded the last of my old taxes and all of the financial documents from my bankruptcy 7 years ago.  I know it's not polite to talk about money in our society and I really don't want to write about my money issues, but they are part of my journey and contribute to my fears about moving to Santa Fe.  

After filing bankruptcy, I spent 2 years working with my mortgage company trying to modify my home loan.  I even put my house up for sale and got a good offer, but because the bank assured me that I would qualify for a modification and I declined the offer.  About a month later the bank told me that I did NOT qualify and they began foreclosure proceedings, ultimately getting much less for it that offer. 

The day before the foreclosure sale, I moved in with my parents.  My brother (the financially stable one in the family) owns the house my parents were living in and it had a big, finished basement that had more than enough room for me and my son, who was 19 at the time.  My son (who takes after my brother when it comes to money) moved into his own apartment a little over 2 years ago.  

It's not that I have extravagant tastes or am a compulsive shopper, but I am a spender rather than a saver.  I'm also a single-Mom who rarely received any child support.  When I bought my house, I was working full-time at a bank and making more than enough to cover all of my expenses and then some.  I'd been working in the corporate world for almost 10 years when I decided to take a leap of faith into self-employment.  Everything went well for the first 6 months because I also had a Virtual Assistant business scheduling appointments for financial advisers all over the country.  I was making almost as much as I had at the bank and then the economy took a nose dive and so did my income. 

It's been an emotional roller coaster coming to terms with living with my parents again.  I am truly grateful for the safety net my family has provided for me.  I was even able to see the grace in the timing of my situation when my Dad died last year.  If I hadn't been living with them, there's no way my Mom could have taken care of him by herself when he got sick and needed round the clock care.  Even though my Dad and I had a difficult relationship, I am grateful that I was here and that I could be of service to both of my parents when they needed it.  

Now, I'm getting ready to follow another dream to Santa Fe.  Perhaps I'll do better financially without the safety net of my family to fall back on.  I believe that helping people eliminate clutter and organize their lives is my life purpose.  I'm still working on getting my purpose to pay all of my bills.  Until it does, I will continue to...

"Trust God, Clean House & Help Others"

The First Bite

I just took my first bite of food since starting a juice fast 65 days ago.  I choose a beautiful, organic Gala apple for distinction.  I'm about half way through the apple and starting to feel full.  That's a good reminder that the next couple of weeks are not going to be like riding a bike.  I'm going to be learning a whole new way of eating that involves less food - better quality, but much less of it.  I think that's the theme of this whole process of simplifying my life - Quality not Quantity.  It's the same thing I tell my clients all the time, and I've been following my own advice in many ways since starting on the radical road of simplifying every aspect of my own life.

I also weighed myself this morning and I've lost a total of 60lbs during my fast.  That number is hard to comprehend and a friend of mine suggested going to the store and lifting to 30lb bags of dog food to let it sink in.  I still have quite a bit of weight to lose, but I'm confident that I can make healthier choices now.  I tested this out yesterday when I went shopping to restock my pantry.  I've been a label reader for a long time now, but having cleaned out my body so well I'm being very cautious about what I purchase to nourish it going forward.  Not everything will be organic, but it will be as minimally processed as possible.  Plus, I'll continue to juice, so vegetables and fruit will be the foundation of my food plan.

I've heard from quite a few people during this time who've been inspired to try juicing and simplify their lives.  For that I am truly grateful.  I feel very inspired myself and more than happy to share that here with all of you.  I woman I work with has been juice fasting for a little over a week and lost 10lbs and I'm getting together this afternoon with a friend to help her start a 2 day fast.  I also have plans to eat some of the greens I'll be juicing later today.  

As I finish typing this post I've eaten the whole apple and I'm almost done drinking a pint of apple/carrot/ginger juice.  I also get to help a client organize her home this afternoon.  Today is gonna be a good day!

A Fist Full of Bacon

I had a dream last night that I broke my juice fast by grabbing a fist full of bacon from a big pile of bacon I found in the bottom drawer of a fridge.  With only a couple days left of what will be a 65 day juice fast, I think this means I'm ready to start eating again.  Bacon won't be on my menu anytime soon though, unless it's organic and even then only on the rare occasion.

I told a friend about my dream today and she asked me what I'd most like to eat after my fast.  I had to think about it because my old favorites are highly processed and not part of my plan for continuing to loose weight & eat healthier.  My answer did include bacon though.  I'll be heading to the Blue Planet Natural Grill at some point in March to get their California grass-fed beef burger with bacon, avocado and Swiss cheese (with out the bun) and a side of air-baked, sweet potato fries.  Blue Planet was one of my favorite restaurants and I'm sure I'll find a similar place to eat in Santa Fe. In the meantime, I continue to be amazed at the catalyst of change that juicing has provided for me and look forward to the abundance of new and healthy food choices ahead of me.

Paradigm Shift

The other night, as I was about to drift off to sleep I realized that I had been experiencing a gradual paradigm shift over the last couple of months.  Maybe it's just all of this juice going to my head or maybe it's a result of the clarity I've felt during my juice fast.  That clarity could also be the result of sleeping better.  When I started this juice fast 62 days ago I was 56lbs heavier and was only sleeping 2-3 hours at a time during the night.  I was constantly waking up during the night and often had to sleep sitting up in my living room chair because I was able to breathe easier that way.  Whatever the reason, I can see clearly now the road ahead of me and it's paved with hope.  

I am hopeful because spending this time cleaning out my body with fresh pressed juice seems to have washed away my fear my hunger. I've been chased by an unrelenting hunger most of my life and was afraid the hunger from only drinking juice would be unbearable, but I've been amazed at how manageable my hunger has been.  And the fear of hunger that has been a monkey on my back for so long seems to have found somewhere else to live.  Hopefully, he won't come back when I start eating bananas again.

I'm still amazed that I've been juicing for more than 60 days.  My last day will be this Friday and I'm excited to start chewing food again.  I am so excited about the changes ahead of me in the coming months and transformation that juicing has had on my body and my mind.  As I was writing about this shift I've felt tonight I came across this quote on a friend's Facebook page that sums up perfectly what I've been thinking and feeling lately.

"Change is a transition from dysfunctional behavior to functional behavior. Functionality means skill in achieving healthy goals. To change psychologically is to become skillful at handling things better now than we did before. Change is a psychological event; transformation is a spiritual gift. Transformation, unlike change, cannot be achieved; it happens. Transformation means love, wisdom, and healing in thought, word and deed." ~ David Richo